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POLL: MAJORITY OF PAYTON FAMILIES HAVE COMMITTED RESIDENCY FRAUD

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

January 5, 2016

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POLL: MAJORITY OF PAYTON FAMILIES HAVE COMMITTED RESIDENCY FRAUD

Major uptick in number of suburban families claiming residence in Chicago’s disadvantaged neighborhoods

In an underground poll of Payton students conducted by the Paw Print, 17% report residing outside the City limits while 34% report that their parents purchased vacant lots in low income neighborhoods. Both evasive tactics are designed to more easily gain admission to Payton and other selective enrollment schools. This report surfaces while Payton is under intense scrutiny from local media regarding the scandal.  

In a recent interview, an anonymous student told the Paw Print that she had no knowledge of her parents’ decision to list their residence in Englewood until her sophomore year. She actually resides in Glencoe, an Illinois town with a median house value of $971,000, and had only previously visited Chicago to shop at Water Tower Place.

“Am I embarrassed by my parents’ decision? Yes. Do I regret it? No,” commented the student.  “It’s super trendy nowadays. Everyone in my eighth grade class graduated with a Tesla and a house in a Tier 1 neighborhood.” Her parents have declined to comment.

The controversy has sparked national debate, with top president hopefuls opting to “build a wall around Chicago’s borders.”

Local parents and community activists plan to protest the streak of affluenza in the selective enrollment schools, demanding that CPS expels the students. With the current failure of CPS to hold the fraudsters accountable, it is expected that Payton and similar schools can expect more privileged suburban students in their classrooms.

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This piece is part of the satirical “Pushback of Political Correctness” series.

Categories: featured, Satire

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