Humor

New Building Closing? Shut Down Imminent as Poison Hazard Discovered

73185214_d6ab6517aa_bPayton administration has announced that the new building will have to be shut down for repairs next week. The closure comes amid revelations that the industrial strength lead paint used to coat the walls is peeling off, resulting in an extreme poison hazard to the students.

Lead poses a large danger to students, according to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, placing them at risk for “behavioral problems, learning disabilities, seizures and even death.” For these reasons lead paint is oftentimes not used in applications where children are present, however it still retains dominance on the market due to its lower cost.  These risks were outlined to the CPS central office when they chose to use the inexpensive industrial strength paint in the new building, however, they were assured that when combined with the old paint they found in the basement, the paint would not peel given normal school wear and tear conditions.

The danger was discovered when the new building failed to pass its first yearly inspection mandated by the CPS Commission on Very Abhorrent Past Expenditures. The V.A.P.E. commision, which has been understaffed for the past five years due to increased budget restraints, delayed the inspection because of a backlog of lead paint cases across the city. Their report, released to Payton administration last Tuesday, outlines the extent of the problem.

The report states that the entire new building’s lead paint will peel off in the next five years if not addressed at the soonest possible juncture. They say the reason for the failure of the supposedly industrial strength paint was due to an increased amount of nicotine vapors in the air.  When combined with the coloring agents in the paint, the nicotine vapors cause the paint to loosen.

The V.A.P.E. commission stated that there was so much nicotine vapor in the air, that “the paint could fall off at the poke of a pencil.” More damning, the report stated at one point an inspector “collapsed from the amount of mango and creme brulee smell present in the bathroom on the second floor.”

When asked, Payton administration stated that the paint was “the first of many troubling casualties the Payton community will face if the vape epidemic is allowed to continue.” The administration also adds that they will now be supplying Nicorette gum to any student who turns in their Juul or any other vaping device in order to aid students in quitting.

“We are hopeful that this combined with random searches will be able to end the epidemic,” said administration.

BUT SERIOUSLY…

nicotine fr

Source- Forbes

 

Categories: Humor

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