The Paw Print

By Steven Jiang, Opinions Editor

Every single school day for the past eleven years,  I have waited in the cafeteria line at noon, craning my head to glimpse the entree of the day. I’ve tried everything from popcorn chicken to beef nachos, all consumed via the infamous “spork” (a spoon with fork teeth). If you’ve never had school lunch before, suspend your judgment just for a moment. Maybe, just maybe, my tier list might inspire you to give them a try. 

To be clear, this tier list exists solely within the bounds of cafeteria food. School lunch meals are not restaurant-quality, and they are not supposed to be. My three criteria are simple: taste, fulfillment and nutritional value. For taste, I’m looking for savory flavors that mix well on the tongue. For fulfillment, I want to feel somewhat satiated for the rest of the school day. For nutritional value, I’m hoping for a balance of carbs, protein and fats. 

I will preface these rankings by expressing gratitude to the cafeteria staff here at Payton for consistently preparing three meals (breakfast, lunch and “after-school lunch”) for hundreds of students everyday. My reviews do not reflect their hard work but rather the meal kits that the district provides through Aramark Student Nutrition. All of the following opinions (and potentially hot takes) are my own. 

Tier F: Maybe Next Time

Cheese Pizza A (Taste: 1/5, Fulfillment: 2/5, Nutritional Value: 1/5) – Oh boy. The cafeteria serves two kinds of pizza, and this one is…something. The cheese is almost always half-melted and the sauce has more of a spicy (?) than tomato flavor. At least the dough is fine.

Grilled Cheese Sandwich (T: 1/5, F: 2/5, N: 1/5) – I’ll admit, I’m not a big fan of grilled cheese in general. But the cheese is unbearably salty and falls short of a gooey consistency. Not much nutritional value here either, and hardly satiating for the stomach. 

Quesadilla (T: 1/5, F: 1/5, N: 1/5) – I don’t have a lot to say about this one. It’s a simple tortilla with cheese in it. The cheese is still a little too salted, and the tortilla is unfortunately bland, although I do appreciate the combination of crispy and soft. You’ll probably be hungry again within two blocks.

Tier D: Well, Food is Food

Chicken Alfredo Pasta (T: 2/5, F: 3/5, N: 3/5) – Despite the relatively rich alfredo sauce, the pasta itself struggles to mask its bland undertones and rather hard texture. The chicken is great though, both for taste and nutritional value. Unearthing pieces of chicken throughout the meal is certainly something to look forward to. 

Nachos Without Meat (T: 3/5, F: 1/5, N: 1/5) – This one barely made it into Tier D. Is it nutritious? Not really. Do I feel full? No, it’s more of a snack than a meal. But at the end of the day, they strike a nice balance between salty crunch and liquid cheese. Also, something didn’t feel right about putting nachos in the same tier as Cheese Pizza A. 

Tier C: Gets the Job Done

Beef Marinara Pasta (T: 2/5, F: 4/5, N: 3/5) – The bland pasta remains bland, despite the marinara sauce’s best efforts to cover it up. The ground beef is strongly reminiscent of taco meat with a not-so-subtle hint of spice. It’s a pretty strange clash of flavor. 

Beef Sloppy Joe (T: 3/5, F: 3/5, N: 3/5) – Another use of the multi-purpose taco ground beef, this time with a sweet and savory sauce that contains hints of onion powder. Here, the spice of the beef is integrated relatively well, making it a solid entree.

Beef Taco (T: 3/5, F: 2/5, N: 4/5) – By now we’re quite familiar with the spiced ground beef, which is finally appearing in its original context. Add some cheese, jalapeños and lettuce, and you’ve got a solid beef taco. The flour tortilla on its own has a crisp, natural flavor with a pinch of salt. My biggest complaint, however, is the mediocre serving size of beef. 

Chicken Tenders (T: 3/5, F: 2/5, N: 3/5) – Other than salt, the seasoning is slim to none. They’re also extremely dry. But ketchup is a solid remedy to both of these issues. I will also say that four small tenders are hardly enough to get me through the day. 

Hot Dog (T: 3/5, F: 3/5, N: 2/5) – I mean, it’s a hot dog all right. The sausage has a reasonable level of saltiness, but as a highly processed food, I can’t in good conscience bump up its nutritional value. As for condiments, I just wish they had pickle relish.

Popcorn Chicken (T: 3/5, F: 2/5, N: 3/5) – They’re literally just chicken tenders in spherical form. 

Regular Chicken Sandwich (T: 3/5, F: 4/5, N: 3/5) – It’s literally just chicken tenders squashed into a patty with two pieces of bread. Ketchup, mustard, and lettuce can add some complexity, though. 

SB & J (T: 2/5, F: 4/5, N: 2/5) – It’s a PB & J, but with SunButter. Personally, I’m not a big fan of PB & Js in general, but this is pretty much your standard sandwich. It does fill you up decently well.

Tier B: Don’t Sleep on These

Chicken Taco (T: 5/5, F: 4/5, N: 4/5) – The seasoning on the chicken is solid, with small chunks of tomato adding both acidity and texture. I love how the tortilla absorbs the watery soup of the chicken blend. Sprinkle on some cheese and lettuce for a not-too-shabby Taco Tuesday. 

Nachos With Beef (T: 4/5, F: 4/5, N: 4/5) – Yes, the multipurpose ground beef strikes again — and what a difference it makes. It absolutely elevates the nutritional value from what was previously just chips and cheese. If I’m being nitpicky, I would prefer drier beef so that the chips at the bottom don’t get soggy. 

Mozzarella Sticks (T: 5/5, F: 3/5, N: 3/5) – The crispy, breaded exterior complements the gooey mozzarella inside, creating complexity in every bite. The marinara sauce has a rich, somewhat chunky consistency with oregano sprinkled throughout. If it’s done right, you might even get a satisfying cheese pull. The only reason why it’s not in Tier A is due to the rather meager portion size. 

Pizza Bites/Marinara Poppers (T: 5/5, F: 3/5, N: 3/5) – They’re basically mozzarella sticks, but with the marinara sauce inside the filling. 

Potstickers (T: 4/5, F: 3/5, N: 5/5) – No, I don’t care if they’re “authentic” or not. The filling of chicken, cabbage, green onion, and carrot is surprisingly savory, although the chicken flavor is overwhelmed by the vegetables. The bland whole wheat wrapper takes away from the overall taste, but I guess it’s more healthy that way. 

Sausage and Eggs Brunch (T: 4/5, F: 5/5, N: 5/5) –  The sausage is your standard breakfast turkey patty with a subtle kick of spice. Although I wish it had more seasoning (salt and pepper does the trick), the scrambled eggs are cooked well with hints of cheese. Overall, a solid meal to close out Tier B. 

Tier A: (Almost) Fast-Food Level

BBQ Chicken Leg (T: 5/5, F: 4/5, N: 4/5) – These drumsticks have it all. On the outside, the BBQ sauce brings a sweet, tangy flavor that hits you right away. A few moments later, you can taste the rotisserie-esque undertones of garlic and onion powder. The crispy skin is the cherry on top. 

Beef Cheeseburger (T: 4/5, F: 5/5, N: 5/5) – It’s a solid beef patty (albeit not especially juicy), and if it’s done right, the cheese should melt right on top. If not, set it in the microwave for ten to twenty seconds. This burger offers plenty of customization options. Slather some MUSTARD (!) on both buns. Load it up with slices of tomato and lettuce. Drizzle on some ketchup. It’s a better burger than the ones I’ve tried at Denny’s. 

Cheese Pizza B (T: 5/5, F: 5/5, N: 3/5) – Remember Cheese Pizza A from Tier F? Pretend that never happened. A raw, organic tomato flavor cuts through the marinara sauce, which is spread evenly on top of the soft dough. The mozzarella layer is melted to perfection and provides a satisfying cheese pull. What a slice.

Meatball Marinara Sub (T: 5/5, F: 5/5, N: 4/5) – Say what you will about Aramark, but they don’t miss on marinara. The sauce hits every single time, and even more when it’s soaked into the bread. The chicken meatballs are seasoned well with a slight kick of spice from black pepper. I like to sprinkle on some grated mozzarella and hot pepper flakes for even more flavor. 

Orange Chicken (T: 5/5, F: 5/5, N: 4/5) – Who knew? Turns out all that popcorn chicken needed was some sweet-and-sour sauce and some rice. The sauce does all the heavy lifting to send this one into Tier A. It has a semi-viscous consistency and, à la Americanized Chinese cuisine, is significantly sweeter than it is sour. But who cares? It completely transforms the otherwise bland popcorn chicken and rice.  

Spicy Chicken Sandwich (T: 5/5, F: 5/5, N: 5/5) – This one might depend on your affinity towards spice. But in terms of flavor complexity, it’s objectively a facelift compared to its mediocre counterpart, the Regular Chicken Sandwich. The paprika in particular tingles the throat and creates pops of spice in each bite. And if you add your vegetables (which you should), it’s got a pretty decent nutritional value. After enduring the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, the Spicy Chicken Sandwich is a firm, satisfying note to end on.