Satire

Confusion arises over secret upperclassman bathrooms

4588573211_cc774d3500_zDue to a mix-up during registration, a number of rising Juniors and Seniors have expressed confusion at having not received their passwords to the secret upperclassmen bathrooms. The passwords, most of which were successfully provided to students during registration, grant the Juniors and Seniors access to the devilishly hidden restrooms where bubbling champagne flows freely from glittering spigots and each stall is its own room.

The Juniors’ and Seniors’ bathrooms — which are located somewhere behind That One Water Fountain That is Always and Will Always Be Broken, You Know the One, and behind a false wall in the Confucius Center, respectively — were originally constructed to appease the vengeful spirits of several former Payton Seniors who tragically lost their lives in the Great Bathroom Flood of ‘09.

Apparently, the present confusion arose when the distributors of the passwords failed to arrive on the day of make-up registrations, due to a misunderstanding of their instructions. Unfortunately, these mysterious and shadowy distributors are the only ones privy to the password, and when they return to their quarters somewhere in the cavernous secret restrooms it is effectively impossible to summon them again until the next year arrives.

Students from around Payton have a few things to say on the matter.

“This is [REDACTED],” said Dante Petersen Stanley, Senior, going on to elaborate that, “those bathrooms were the best place to [REDACTED]” much to the disgust of the interviewer.

“I’m still not convinced that this ‘secret bathroom’ actually exists,” said Maxx Lampton, Junior, complete with dramatic air quotes. “I think I’d have heard about it by now.” No you wouldn’t, Maxx. That’s why it’s a secret.

Fortunately for those Juniors and Seniors who missed their main registration days, it is possible to discern this year’s passwords from clues hidden in the library book, “Encyclopedia of Dog Breeds”. It is against the policy of this newspaper to tell you how to identify these clues, but rest assured that the success of the Juniors has been prophesied. Whether or not the Seniors will succeed remains unknown.

Finally, please note that the password is not, and never will be, “swordfish,” and that guessing “swordfish” is ground for immediate expulsion or sacrifice to the Thing That Lives Beneath the Atrium.

Categories: Satire

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