Features

ASMR: Plug Into Payton Prius Club

By Lindsay Holzman and Hayley Owens

ASMR of Payton Prius Club:

“Vroom Vroom, get out me Prius!” Based on recent observation, it has been brought to our attention that Toyota Priuses have begun to take over the faculty parking lot.

In an objective investigation, interviews were conducted (with any teachers who were found without a class during 8th period on Tuesday, September 18) in an attempt to discern the origin of this breakthrough.

Far more teachers who were encountered did not drive a Prius; however, they provided the invaluable perspective of the outsider.

Most notably, we can officially reject the Earth-shattering rumor circulating that Mr. Vinluan would be joining the Payton Prius Club (PPC). However, aside from setting this record straight, Vinluan declined to further comment on the matter.

In a brief encounter with Mr. Menacho, we were informed that he was in fact not in the PPC: “No, I’m saving up for a Tesla,” he said. However, he gave us our first lead: “I’m pretty sure the whole math department has one though.”

The two Prius owners whom we managed to interview, Mr. Lee and Mr. Devine, agreed that the car model’s main appeal revolves around its eco-friendliness.

When asked why he drove a Prius, Devine said, “Because I love Mother Earth, and I want our Earth to be spinning around this third rock from the sun for many millennia and not turn into a black orb of darkness.”

Mr. Lee said, “I would say it’s for ecological reasons, but truth be told, the money I save from gas has more than compensated for the money I spent on the Prius, so it’s an economic decision too.” Mr. Lee seems to be very economically conscious, as his first car cost him a ripe $13.

The reasoning for those opting out of the PPC had wider variety. Ms. Spooner decided instead on a Jeep Cherokee, basing her decision on ample space and kid-safety.

Ms. Driver’s answer was less complex: “Because I don’t really care that much.” While not in the PPC, Driver does drive a Toyota Rav4, saying she’s loyal to the brand because it’s what she has driven since she was 16.

Others had no information whatsoever regarding the topic at hand. When Mr. Kuchii was asked if he drove a Prius, he said, “I don’t even know what that is, is that a type of car or something?… I drive a van, a minivan… I’m a family man. I got like 6 kids.”

The truthfulness of the last piece of information, even from the source himself, remains unclear. Rumors have circulated for years that he has two children.

A much appreciated member of the Payton community, Ms. Allen, blew the PPC to shreds. Allen informed us that although she has a license, she does not drive any car, because instead, in her words, “I bicycle.”

Who’s the real environmental friend now, Prius owners?

 

 

Categories: Features, Humor, featured

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