By: Aaron Faier*, Editor-in-Chief/Satire Editor

StudGov wants you to know he’s done. After 21 long years, he’s had enough. He’s hanging up his hat. He had high hopes for his life, but he has realized he’s been chasing the wrong goals. Enough is enough. Some might call this a midlife crisis, others might say a personal rebirth. Whatever you call it, one thing is clear, StudGov is not coming back. The Paw Print sat down with him to get his side of the story.

When asked about his breakdown that started all of this, he replied, “I just didn’t know what I was doing there. Yeah, I did homecoming, but what was I doing the rest of the year?” StudGov was so distraught that the Paw Print had to bring in a palette of tissues and calm him down.

“No, you’ve accomplished plenty of things in your career, like… you know…” With Paw Print unable to come up with anything to soothe StudGov, he burst out sobbing again. “I’ve…I…Could’ve done something meaningful, like try to fix the east building bathrooms, but what did I do instead? I don’t even have any power!” After a few more minutes of this continuing, StudGov suddenly changed his demeanor.

“You know what? I’ll show them! I’m going to get my life back! I quit! I’m going on a road trip to find my purpose!” Resolute, he marched out of the building. Mystified by this sudden motivation, the Paw Print decided to follow him along on his journey to see if he did end up finding his purpose. Attached are the trip notes:

PP: How is it so hard for you to find your purpose?

SG: Well, you see, I’m supposed to have a lot of responsibility, but the fact is, I don’t have that much power. Plus, the LSC has pretty much the same functions I do. For example, that math department survey: LSC asked me to send it out. It’s been a while since I’ve enacted a policy myself that was great for the school. 

PP: You’re in charge of Compass, though, aren’t you? That’s big…

SG: If you want to be within close proximity of 600 people during a pandemic of an airborne virus, that’s great. Otherwise, does anyone even take away anything valuable from those?

PP: Well, you share a lot of information on your webpage. That’s helpful, isn’t it?

SG: It is if you wanted to know what was happening last year. Who knows anything about StudGov this year other than that homecoming happened and we ran out of cheese pizza? Who even knows who their reps are?

PP: What about club grants, though?

SG: True, those are okay. However, I have no financial disclosures, so no one knows what my financial situation looks like. Would it surprise you that I have over 15K in the bank? Who knew? I didn’t….

At this point, the Paw Print van decided to turn back to Chicago, as there was no way Paw Print was going to drive all the way to California. Gas is expensive these days, you know. As the caravan pulled over to make a LEGAL u-turn, Paw Print shouted out the window, “You know, you might find your purpose in what students say, right?” StudGov responded, “Nah, I’m sure I’ll find it somewhere in California.”

*The author is a member of Student Government currently trying to avoid censure, so please, if you were planning on bringing pitchforks and torches to school, leave them at home.