This a collection of satirical articles to celebrate our favorite holiday!
WPCP News Corp. completes takeover of PawPrintMedia LLC
By: Peter Peterson, Business Correspondent
Payton’s two premier news sources (sorry PNN) are now one. Instagram sensation WPCP News Corp. successfully bought out PawPrintMedia LLC Thursday after years of gunning for the struggling newspaper. The process, however, took a very long time to complete. After filing the initial FTC paperwork in March 2015, the merger was designed because of its monopolistic practices.
“While it’s true that there are three Payton news agencies, one of them interviews inebriated individuals, so a merger of the other two would leave too much of a vacuum”, said FTC commissioner Martin Martinsson. “We couldn’t allow the buyout to happen. Who would be left to supply stories no one reads three months after the events occur?”
This hiccup did not stop WPCP News, however. After years of appeals, the FTC gave its blessing for the marriage last year. As with most consolidations, analysts anticipate a mass firing of Paw Print employees, and a gutting of content. “We anticipate that articles will be completely replaced by news memes by December,” said analyst Bjork Bjorksson. On the bright side, readership will most certainly increase. “In the end, our content is just better”, Johnny Depp, alleged owner of the WPCP News page said in a recent interview.
The Paw Print could not be reached for comment.
Extension granted: Sophomore’s homework not due until 2050
By: A. Mos, Rodent Correspondent
We’ve all had that feeling. That sinking feeling when an assignment is due today and what do you know, it’s not done yet. That was the case of Payton sophomore Manny Pulitavé this week before he talked to his teacher. “Communication is the most important thing. Talk to your teacher, let him/her know that you didn’t do the homework because you were too busy watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and you should be just fine,” he says.
According to Mr. Pulitavé, the assignment was routine enough, but he just really didn’t feel like doing it. “Five true or false questions can be a lot when all you want to do is watch reality TV!” Despite this, he was all taken care of. “I asked for an extension, and my well meaning teacher granted it to me just like that! My homework is now not due for another 28 years! I feel sort of bad for taking advantage of my teacher like this, but not enough to turn the work in on time!”
When asking another student whether or not this was part of a wider trend, or just that of an exploitative student, she thought this issue was actually very widespread. “It’s amazing! We have the teachers wrapped around our fingers! They think we’re stressed and overworked, and that we’re not used to being back in person (even though some of us have been back for almost a year), so no one assigns work with hard deadlines anymore! This is the least stressed I’ve ever been! It’s so ironic that you have to test into the ‘best’ high school so that you can do the least work.”
When asked if she was concerned at all with her grades, she replied “absolutely not. As long as I turn in my assignments by the end of the semester, I’m going to get pretty close to full credit. In the meantime, though, the lowest grade they can give me is a 50, so I’m not doing too badly, although because of the pressure from the top to have all classes achieve a 93 average, some teachers are even giving me C’s even though I didn’t do any work! As long as things like graduation rate continue to be a factor in high school rankings, you can expect upward pressure on our grades. This is like the biggest con job since…ever!”
When department heads were asked whether they thought that a no-deadlines work environment served students well in the long run, most acknowledged that there were issues with this line of thinking, but feared what would happen if they returned to strict deadlines. “I don’t want to seem like the bad guy here, but someone needs to do something”, an English teacher said on condition of anonymity. “If we don’t course correct soon, students won’t know what hit them when they get to college. As a college preparatory institution, is it fair to not prepare students for a world of deadlines and no-nonsense professors? Students already know what it’s like to work hard, and that’s why they’re here. This is completely unnecessary.”
When asked for a comment by the administration, they replied that “the awards speak for themselves. National Blue Ribbon School school multiple times and #4 Best Public High School in the country. We’ve only gotten these awards through hard work and heightening the quality of our education.”
Have we, though?
Principal Shabazz-Anderson orders ground invasion of Moody Bible field
By: Peter O’Hanraha-Hanrahan, Moody Bible Institute Correspondent
Payton Interim Principal Fareeda Shabazz-Anderson on Thursday announced a ground invasion of the Moody Bible Institute field adjoining the school.
The declaration of war, which was reportedly made without prior consultation with either Student Government or the Local School Council, came amid simmering tensions between Payton and the evangelical private college. The military operation began at approximately 1 p.m. during passing period and consisted of an initial force of nine teachers and 84 students, most of them freshman, Shabazz-Anderson told a press conference held in the west cafe.
“This is not a decision I take lightly,” Shabazz-Anderson said, flanked by Assistant Principal Sana Ansari and School Clerk Wanda Baez. “It is only after extensive consideration of the risks involved that I have come to the conclusion that military force is the only means left to address our outstanding grievances with Moody and secure our school’s territorial integrity.”
But critics argued the move was nothing more than a distraction from controversy over the Class of 2022 senior T-shirt and the scandal that erupted last week following the revelation that Student Government funds had been used to finance hunting trips in Tanzania.
“This is a transparent stunt,” said Todd Bartnick, a junior. “It’s truly embarrassing to see, and I have faith that the student body is too smart to fall for this sort of cheap rally-around-the-flag propaganda coup.”
Ms. Bertoni, who by 2:30 was appointed Secretary of Defense in Shabazz-Anderson’s ad hoc War Cabinet, defended the principal’s decision. “The reality is that these Moody Bible clowns have no right to keep occupying a field that Payton has always really been entitled to. I mean, what the hell are they using it for?”
Since February 2020, the Moody Bible Institute (MBI) has been in talks with JDL Development to sell parcels of land including the field that straddles the border with Payton. The invasion may throw those plans into uncertainty.
Shortly after the invasion, MBI mobilized a small defensive force to repel Payton’s forces. The Paw Print is able to confirm at least fourteen injuries on the Payton side and estimates a similar total among MBI forces, though no equipment has been seriously damaged. Both sides offered conflicting figures, but no deaths or civilian casualties have been reported so far.
At 3:16, Shabazz-Anderson announced in a schoolwide email chain (no-reply) that the science department had been conscripted and put to work modernizing the school’s supply of artillery and to prepare a sickbay in case MBI mounts a campaign of biological warfare, as some analysts fear.
Ms. Ofori and Mr. Vinluan announced that they would be hosting a special enrichment for students who wish to evaluate the extent to which the War on Terror had influenced the sociopolitical context in which the current conflict arose, and to compare and contrast the invasion with former Payton Principal Timothy Devine’s failed attempt to annex the Jones College Prep swimming pool in 2015.
A spokesman for the principal’s office confirmed that nuclear weapons had not been taken off the table.
Enrichment absences thought to be caused by portal to another dimension, scientists say
By: Electra Lite, Science Correspondent
It would be difficult to argue that Payton has a stellar attendance record. In fact, just last week, Principal Shabazz-Anderson sent out an email warning of the dangers of truancy and reminding students that attendance really matters, “Enrichment is not optional and failure to attend will adversely affect your child’s attendance.”
However, an investigation by the Paw Print has discovered that it is scientifically improbable to have this many absences. In what was probably the only similarity between this article and Scooby Doo, the assumption was that there had to be a natural explanation for this phenomena, be it senioritis, or a lax discipline policy. It turns out that it was neither.
“It’s just not physically possible for so many students to disappear at once”, CPS Attendance Officer Alexandra Chang said in a recent interview. In light of this, the school district called in the National Science Foundation to investigate. The NSF, too, was stumped. “We tested every theory of ours out, and they were all wrong”, reported NSF Chief Science Fiction Investigator Randy Bout. “The only possible explanation was that there was a portal to a different dimension that students were accessing and getting trapped in.”
Sure enough, this theory proved to be true. After scouring the school for thirty seconds, a portal was found in the locker room showers. “It actually makes a lot of sense that no one would have noticed the big neon portal in the middle of the showers, because no one uses them anyway”, said a teacher on condition of anonymity. “I wish they would, but I understand.”
After a year-long research project, the NSF revealed its results on Friday. “We have found that students who were wandering around the school when they should have been in enrichment found the portal, and decided to explore inside”, said scientist Hans Upp in a stereotypical scientific German accent. Unfortunately, the portal sealed behind them and they were stuck. However, students could still communicate with our dimension. When asked what they saw in the other dimension, students reported seeing a yellow brick road, a little dog named after a Japanese toilet company, and a lot of asbestos.
So don’t worry, Payton parents. Your kids are safe, just trapped in a different dimension. Could be worse. When asked for comment about its dangerous environment to minors (what with the interdimensional portals and all), the school replied that “we expect students to be here by 8 am on Monday, or else a tardy will be added to their record.” However, most NSF scientists involved in the research suspected that this warning would not dissuade students from coming late or missing enrichment. “I think they need something more concrete”, Mr. Upp ended with.
Happy April! Only two months left of school. You’ve got this, grizzlies!